Cross-stitch, quilting, craft….

A 21 Step Programme….

Or………..Teach Yourself How To Crochet 101.

1.  Collect all the crochet books you like and all the cute crochet hooks and accessories you can find.  Do this for a couple of years, all the time telling yourself most sincerely that you will learn to crochet “this weekend”, then start a new sewing project instead. 

2.  When you do eventually decide to start, get yourself comfy with a cup of tea and a comfy cushion behind your back, enthusiastically watch the instructional DVD twice from beginning to end, pick up your hook, then cuddle the cat, as he has chosen this moment to jump on your lap after showing no interest beforehand for hours.

3.  When the cat has gone, marvel how everything made sense on the DVD and for the first five minutes everything just  clicks into place.  Teaching yourself how to crochet isn’t going to be too hard at all!

4.  As a south paw, you decide teaching yourself how to crochet right handed makes much more sense than reverse engineering patterns forevermore.  Besides that, you taught yourself how to knit right handed….How hard can crochet be?  After all there is one hook instead of two needles.

5.  Promptly forget that you need to be aware that your right hand does all the work, not your left holding the yarn.  This leads to something which has more resemblance to a bowl of buck wheat noodles which have been through the spin cycle in the washing machine.

6.  Watch the relevant section of the DVD…..again.

7.  Have another cup of tea, with a chocolate chaser and wonder if holding two University degrees is really a sign of intelligence.

8.  Consider asking the truck driver making a delivery over the road to run backwards and forwards a few times over your yarn and hook with his ten wheeled rig.

9.  Completely ignore the DVD as you begin hooking again….Even though it is ready to go on the relevant section with the remore control in easy reach.

10.   Hook, rip, hook, rip.  Swear at the yarn and hook in such a way that it would make Father Jack cringe.

11.  Breathe in, breathe out…..

12.  Channel Jackie Chan’s Karate Kid style…..Put the hook under, put the hook behind, pull the hook through, put the hook under etc. etc.

13.  Wind the yarn around your little finger so it doesn’t flow freely.   Ignore the pain until your finger starts to turn purple and you are at risk of self-amputation.

14.  Stomp around the house looking for non-existent hooch.  Eye up the oranges in the fridge, wondering if you could substitute nail polish remover for vodka in a screwdriver.

15.  Decide the woman on the instructional DVD is on drugs.  It is the only possible explanation for the serene look on her face.  What on earth made you think learning to crochet might be fun???

16.  Settle back down with your hook and just as things are beginning to fall into place, answer the knock at the door…..Brandishing your crochet hook, threatening to remove the brains (Ancient Egyptian style) of the Foxtel salesman at the door.  Console yourself with the thought that you won’t be bothered by anyone from that company again for a very long time.

17.  Eat chocolate.

18.  Continue practise the foundation chain using the ball of acrylic which came with the DVD, even though it is splitting, matted mess. 

19.   Take the ball of yarn into  the back garden, dig a deep hole, toss the ball in, closely followed by the bottle of nail polish remover (much better to have it out of temptation’s way) and set fire to it.  Fill in the hole.  Jump on it….a lot.

20.  Go back inside and choose a ball of new splitty yarn from your stash.  You know the type….you keep it “just in case”  and isn’t practising a new craft the perfect use for it?

21.  Put down your hook, eat more chocolate and think about all the fun you are going to have teaching yourself how to crochet…..tomorrow


Comments on: "A 21 Step Programme…." (4)

  1. Oh! My! Stars! Have you been peeking in my windows? Thanks SO much for the gut-squeezing laughs. .I truly needed them!!

    And a very timely reminder as to why this is so not the good time for me to try and teach myself, once again. .I truly was thinking of digging out that hook and yarn to try and “relax”. HA! I rationally keep telling myself that I do all sorts of needlework, and I can macrame, so why not crochet?

    Thing is, I have the same problem with trying to teach myself to knit. and it is SO frustrating!

    Thanks for interjecting a lot of humor into the sad situation! lol

  2. Do you have a camera set up at my house? LOL…I have almost as many books on crocheting (and knitting) and can only do some basic stuff on both and REALLY want to be able to do more! It is on my bucket list!

  3. What a scene that conjures up. There are some things I have found are much easier when someone shows you how to do it, crochet for me was one of them.
    I had to laugh today, I’ve been asked to teach someone how to do it, lol. Hope they will only be expecting the basics

  4. Hilarious, Sue! I guess I shouldn’t be expecting to see any artsy afghan shots on your blog anytime soon (unless they’re gifts from someone else).

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